Dear Triathlon

Here's an email that I sent to Dr. Nitrous today. Thought I'd share.

Dear Triathlon,

Please let this serve as notice that due to lingering effects of a sore throat, sinus pressure, continuously feeling like crap as of late, until further notice I am officially retiring from the sport of Triathlon. In turn, I will be sleeping in, eating what I want, and buying pants with elastic waistbands to make room for the impending gut expansion. I renounce any high ideals I might have had regarding striving to continually challenge myself and leave others in my dust. The amount of money that I will safe on entry fees and gear, I will put toward buying that nice set of golf clubs and getting a country club membership. I bequeath all of my power gels, apparel, and aforementioned gear to the triathlon community (aka: those misfortunate souls who haven’t figured out that you are evil yet). With that, I bid you adieu!

P.S. – You can stick this notice where the sun doesn’t shine. It’s going to take a lot more than a runny nose to keep me from kicking your ass every day. Game on!

Here's the Doctor's response. Love it.

Dear Bullet,

Thank you for submitting you comments. However, I regret to inform you that I do not care about you. I have broken down the most elite of your species and I will continue to torment the likes of you until all the oceans and lakes dry up. I will continue to recruit new members at an alarming rate, and it will take them years to figure out that I do not care about them either. My human agents, in the form of race directors, have sold their souls to me, and I will continue to make them rich as they aid in my quest for world domination. You may be one of the few enlightened humans who are able to see through my facade, but you do not stand a chance of changing the minds of those who are committed to me. I will destroy their lives, and they will not even see it coming. On the contrary, they will think they are actually doing a good thing. So, congratulations on escaping the matrix, but freedom is not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Sincerely,

Triathlon.